I admit I had to look up a definition for that word. This technology thing is a challenge if one hasn’t been keeping up. I have not been keeping up. I can post pictures and updates for Facebook and Instagram. I am even learning a little bit about Snapchat in order to stay connected to a few important young people. Mostly, I scribble notes in journals and onto random pieces of paper. I still write letters. I still make and send cards. I will dread the day those tangible missives give way to electronic communications. As much as I love texting (and I really do) it will never replace a walk or a chat over coffee.

So widgets. I’m still trying to understand this blog stuff. I’m not even sharing this website yet because I’m still trying to understand what it is for me. I’m confused about the structure and curious about expectations (both mine and those of others). Like everything, it is a process. Onward through the fog …

As the end of the week approaches, I’m getting kind of excited for the change in the weather pattern. I am much more comfortable in breezy, cool weather than I am in hot summer sun. I enjoy the summer months but feel a little cheated when October temperatures still linger near 70. I want 50 with a stiff breeze. I am happy to trade in my t-shirts for turtlenecks !

Today I am still thinking about who I am in the world. I wonder if our perceptions are even remotely similar to how others see us. I imagine I am a bit much for some folks. If I like you, there is no question about it. I feel deeply about everything and people are no exception. I’m pretty lucky to have a big armful of folks who know and love me for who I am. Many of those people share history with me, intimate and otherwise. To think that we have remained close and connected through the years is one of the things I’m most proud of in my life. I haven’t always been that way. There was a time I would have traded trust for some fleeting pleasure. I know I am not that person anymore and I am proud of that too. But is that what other people see ?  Does it matter ?

I’m still awkward in the world. I worry about what people think of me. Not like I used to worry, but I still do. We have very few chances to make a first impression. Screw it up and you lose. I sometimes catch myself saying or doing something against my nature …to make an impression. I catch myself because I notice I’m grinding my teeth or stiffening up in my very core. If “being” with someone feels that awkward I just need to step away. If I can’t be authentic, I can’t really be anything. I’m a lousy liar and a lousy pretender. And sometimes I’m guilty of trying too hard when I should really just step away.

I spent the afternoon downtown. I like to think of myself as this urban-dwelling-badass, but I’m not. I like the bustle and feel of everything in the daylight but as dusk approaches it changes. My hair salon is in Pioneer Square and I ordinarily like the area.It is just a few doors down from the magnificent Smith Tower. My new favorite coffee shop is there too. The guy who owns/works/runs the place is a genuine nice guy. I already like him a lot. I almost like-like him 😉  Yup, he’s that great.

Today, I saw so much desperation. It makes me squirm. It is a feeling somewhere between fear and distrust.The street folks are aggressive and those obviously suffering some mental health issues have even more obviously fallen through the cracks. I know there is no easy solution and I kick myself for not wanting to be the one to step in somehow and be a part of the solution. I wish I could. Really I do. Fucking politics. This is not the right time or place for a rant about that. But.

I walked up to Westlake to meet Kelly and take the light rail home. I’m really not much of a badass after all. Sigh.

There is talk of an historic storm moving in. I am anxious for the summer to be shaken to its core. I’m ready for the cool air and steady, pouring , driving, torrential rain. This is my time. I go a bit off the rails when the air swirls. Welcome to my journey as I try to keep my path clear. I am as unsettled as this crazy weather …