In Search of the Very

The air feels cooler today. Thinner. Warm summer mornings always feel like a blanket you could ride into the day.  Something was different today. Maybe it was the first rumbling of true autumn. Maybe that morning blanket is a bit threadbare. Or maybe it was just the first morning without Sassy.

This morning, in that stillness before day breaks wide open in our household, there were tears. Tears knowing my mornings would never be the same. Sassy was a big part of my routine. Or maybe I was a big part of hers. It was our snuggle time. Sassy, Gus and Momma B. Our days ended in much the same way: snuggles on the couch. I don’t have words for how much I will miss that. It occurred to me only later that this loss does not diminish my capacity for love, it increases it. There is more room because I sent such a big part along with her.

I don’t feel broken today as I had thought I might. I don’t feel undone. I feel like every hug, every kind word has been a thread in keeping this beautiful tapestry that is my life, whole and intact. On this journey we have been met with so much love and kindness. Sometimes when it feels like everything is about to unravel, people step in to hold you up. The tangibles and intangibles act as tiny threads that create an invisible bond.

I expected to feel bad for “planning” her leaving. I did not. Instead, I felt quite certain that I would want that for myself too. It was not a desperate relief, but a peaceful, loving passage. You would have to know her hard times to really fully understand. It’s like caring for a baby that doesn’t yet have words. She couldnt tell us with words, but those times in the night when she was gasping for air told us she was tired. And in distress.  In those wee hours of the morning you could believe she was asking. We did.

Even in those moments that we could feel her slipping away, the rightness of what we were doing washed over me. Knowing her time was short made it easier. Feeling her body relax was a beautiful thing.

Kelly held her, with me close and Gus overseeing the entire process. Of course he was there. Watching over her like always. God, I love that cat.

” We’re really all just walking each other home … ”  Ram Dass

Quiet meditation is a prayer for me. A gift. Karen Maezen Miller describes it as ” At the still point of the turning world “. I heard those words today and felt like they were all mine in that moment. My reminder.

Another friend, Gretchen, reminded me that ” Surrender is not giving up, but letting go of the need to control. Especially that which will not be controlled ”  Those words seemed to cling to me too. They were all mine. Another reminder.

” Be where you are ”

Goodnight, my sweet Sassafrass ♡