Hitting the Wall

I’m tired. There is fatigue in worry and sadness and I have hit the wall. 

I’ve gone from being bewildered to mad as hell to exhausted. My brain feels like an old  33 1/3 rpm record with a skip more than halfway through the song. It’s playing over and over and I worry the groove is growing deep. 

Certainly the divide is growing deep. 

Get a vaccine or don’t, but quit being such assholes about it. You don’t want one, fine, but stay the hell away from public places. Put on a mask. Stay out of the stores. This is a deadly virus and a dangerous pandemic and I’m sick of being the one who has to stay home because you can’t be bothered with the responsibility for and the consequence of your actions. 

Consequence, not punishment. 

I just saw tonight that Austria was placing unvaccinated people in lockdown as this virus surges and I applaud them. It’s your turn to isolate in your houses and apartments. I didn’t see this anywhere on the US news, but I just saw the Trump name in four articles as I scrolled through CNN. Who the hell cares about this huckster? 

And honestly, who cares about CNN?

If I want reasonable, editorial content and actual reporting, I have to pay for it. Things are so messed up. And it’s not that the $5 bucks a week for the New York Times is too much money, it’s that the people who need to read it will never see it. It’s preaching to the choir on a mass scale. Sigh. I don’t know what the answer is. My own family is feeling the fracture caused by this virus and it’s a heartbreak. I’m just tired. 

But life isn’t terrible. 

I’m grateful for the almost daily respite I get when I take my morning walks. It saves me over and over and gives me back the energy this crazy world tries to steal away. 

Join me. This was from my walk at Nisqually Wildlife Refuge on a cloudy but dry Saturday in November and a blustery Sunday morning at home.  

20 Comments on “Hitting the Wall

  1. I’m not even sure what to make of people lately. Part of why a year of silence was needed on my part. There are, indeed, no answers but for our own tiny corners of the universe. Thank you for all the loveley pics 🤗

    • So glad to see you stepping back in, albeit cautiously. Yep, I think you’re right about taking care of our own tiny corners of the Universe. Let us hope that the good we do carries ripples … imagine it !

  2. Nothing new to ad… just reaffirming the connection to Nature as the point of sanity. I’m going out to the front porch to “hold hands” with my geranium who is trembling a bit in the windstorm we’re having. She’s got 3 full blooms and 8 budding stems, and I’m trying to help her get through the storm… and maybe I will feel better. Love to you BR–in words and images. Thank you

    • That is a beautiful image to have in my mind. Thank you for that. My bell chime has been clanging for days, like a serenade, and especially so this morning. You have inspired me now to give my favorite birch a great big hug when I brave the wind to walk Yoda this afternoon. Oh, and by the way, this is the best writing weather ever ! It takes me back to the wild winds of Aldermarsh and the growing warmth of that circle. 💚

  3. Oh Bonnie Rae, I feel ya. It’s exhausting to continually make decisions about what to do and where to go and try to maintain equilibrium about other people and their actions and decisions. Thank god for nature, and thank you for your continual reminders to get my butt out there. I’m feeling a lot of inertia these days as the weather greys up. But I have to know, is that leaf really purple????

    • It IS exhausting. And it isn’t the good kind, like from a task completed or a job well done. It’s exhaustion from the tedium you’ve described and I am straining to see clearly the path forward. Thanks for the support this month. You’ve been a great help. And the leaf, it really was purple 💜

  4. I’m SO with ya……my sister blocked me on fb because,,,,,broke my heart.
    I’m sticking with dogs, birds, photography and gardening.

    • Yep, I’m with you. I am just bewildered by people who think a strip of cloth or a poke in the arm is worth giving up family for. I’m exhausted by the effort it takes to not lash out. Breathe …

  5. Just perfect. Stop this madness. Just stop. Five-year-old AJ tells me “animals can’t get the virus.” I’m sticking with them. And why does a five year old have to be thinking about these things anyway.

    • Yes. Stop the madness. I think it was you who shared with me about a trip to the playground with your grandsons and every kid was masked and not one was complaining. I’m with AJ on this all the way. And you make a good point: why are we asking a five year old to even consider such things? Sigh. And the bigger question remains: where is the path forward?

  6. You summed this up really nicely. Our kids sit in Elemantary School with no protection while other people cannot show any common sence for the rest of society. No one is forced to get a shot but you’re right, than stay away from public places …
    Also, does that squirrel eat other squirrels?
    Have a nice start to your week

    • Isn’t that amazing ? We can learn a lot from the kids just doing the simple act of masking up. It boggles the mind that adults can be so disrespectful. And that squirrel comment made me laugh out loud. He’s taken preparation to a whole new level !

  7. Oh, what magnificently mind and sanity-restoring images. The divide is in my family as well, the unvaccinated are getting sick and a close friend is in hospital. It’s horrible in Slovenia (where my family is, I’m in Tuscany where it’s calm), they are running out of beds and doctors and nurses. It’s the situation from the very start of the pandemic in northern Italy. They didn’t learn a thing in two years.

    • Thanks for being here, Manja. Yep, it’s like some people thought we could just “will this away”. Stay safe. Sending white light out to those who are suffering.

  8. When people are in touch with nature, their surroundings, friends, and family it helps builds harmony in our communities. I am hoping to drop that wonderful gift into the middle of the mess that our surroundings have become. Kindness, compassion, and empathy for others need to be practiced every day . . . By everyone! Thanks for sharing your art work Bonnie Rae. Both the drawings and the photographs. Your daily posts are healing moments to the soul.

    • Thanks for writing, Keitha. I agree that we all need to keep our connections to meaningful things strong. Without that, it is hard to see a way forward.

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