I have retreated once again to the tub. Whoever said “a hot bath can cure all that ails” was surely right. Beyond that, a relaxed body will create a chain reaction to a relaxed mind. I’m not sure how it works exactly, but it has a surprising effect on me.
These last few blog posts of mine have been written in here, on my phone. Maybe it’s my own personal pandemic response. The words flow here. As I sit down in the morning or evening to actually write in my journal I am struck by how unnatural it feels to me. Forced. Contrived. It isn’t until I hit the tub that the blocks in my mind begin to crumble and allow the passage of words, unavailable at other times. I could spend a lot of time worrying about that or I could just let it be.
This pandemic is changing me. I don’t have any judgement about the particulars of that, but I feel a radical change. If it were a taste, sour lemon. A sensation, electric shock. A sound, a gunshot in the still night. The tarot cards have revealed an upheaval and my dreams are waking me with a jolt. To think that any of us will move through this unchanged never enters my mind.
I’ve tried phone and Zoom calls, but they are not my cup of tea. They seem to highlight my insecurities and pull me clean away from the connectedness they are meant to create. My ego is always front and center. Always in the way. ” Do I really sound like that ? Do I really look like that ? How am I coming across ? Do they like me ?” It shouldn’t matter, these small things, but they do, whether I like it or not. I need to look someone in the eye. I’m learning that I trust the language of the body over the language of the voice or written word.
I’m guessing that many are looking for ways to numb their feelings or push them into a corner they can’t see and then more easily forget about them. Others, I envision trying to walk through the middle of them, like scurrying over hot coals. I have tried both, and now in my own crash course toward a more enlightened state, I am holding only the thought that it might best serve me to simply “be” with whatever feelings I’m having. A coexistence, free of judgement.
And it has changed me.
Awareness of ego is brutally hard to sit with. I’m learning about myself in the simplest of terms: When I should step away, I lean in. When I should lean in, I step away. I definitely see my work. If that work has a voice, it is the one that comes whispering every night as I try to sleep. My body is sore and fatigued most evenings. I assume sleep will be swift as I can barely keep my eyes open and my body is craving rest. But that isn’t usually the case. The voice in my head is full of questions and it quietly exploits a now captive audience.
It’s okay. With a notebook nearby, I often scribble things down as “field notes” for moving forward. There is some deciphering to be done of my own pitch dark shorthand, but there’s often enough scrawl and scratch to be able to understand what it is I’ve held onto and what it is I’ve let go of.
This is becoming my own Master Class of life. My working title will be: Virus, Radical Change and the Path Ahead. Or maybe, simply: The Year I Finally Began Growing Into Who I Am.
I’d love to hear from you if you’ve read this through to the end. I wonder how this pandemic looks through your lens. Are you changed because of it ? Are you worried or curious about what our post-pandemic looks like ? Are you writing about it ? Talking about it ? Will you share ?
My email is in my About section if you’d rather not share in a comment. We are all weathering the same storm but we are definitely not in the same boat. Even the forecast is changing from where each of us sit. Thank you for being here with me ♡