Oh, November

November is a swirl of emotion for me. So many anniversaries on the calendar of both joyful and heartbreaking things. I don’t want to blame the cool winds of fall for the sadness. I don’t ever want to not love the rustling leaves and the chill in the air.

Last year on this day I lost a friend.

I didn’t learn of it until two days later and when I heard the news, the air left me. I used to read these words not really understanding what it meant. Here’s how it happens: The air halts in mid breath and then it seems to disappear. Something scrambles in your brain and in those moments you forget how to draw it back in.

Lisa was gone.

In one unimaginable moment ..

Everything changed.

We hadn’t been close for many, many years but we had a history that was forever a part of us both. The devastating thing for me was knowing the incredible void left in the lives of her family. I broke down when I heard the deep sadness in her sister’s voice. My heart broke for the unimaginable loss felt by my best friend. In that moment I felt so helpless. What could I possibly say ? What could I do ?

The suddenness of this kind of loss is almost impossible to know what to do with. To say “everything changes” is an understatement and yet that is exactly how it feels. A gaping hole that used to hold a wildly beautiful free spirit, gone in an instant. Forever unanswerable questions.

Oh, November.

You’ve taken nearly as much as you’ve given. I can’t find fault in the never-ending balance of the Universe. There will be days when the darkness sets in and the more painful memories linger. But there is also an unmistakable quality to November light … it is golden and warm and we can wrap it around us like like a blanket.

Yes, the light.

If you can’t see the light, BE the light ♡

Onward we go through love and loss. Lisa, I remember your beautiful spirit today. Laura, I am holding space for all of you. I love you.