Driving last night to my private hideaway was a wild mix of emotions. I am stressed from the week and it was only three days of work. I seem really impatient these days on the road. That might be the clearest indicator that I really need some serenity. Don’t get me wrong, I never enjoy commuting. I have found new routes to make it tolerable, but it feels like such a waste of my life. Lately, it feels like the drivers are less attentive and more aggressive. Bad combo. Am I getting that way too ?
So last night’s drive through Fife and Tacoma was ugly. But then I saw that perfect crescent moon against the most beautiful blue sky. It was a ghostly, nautical blue and there was a star hanging directly below it. Ahead of me were layers of sherbet colored horizon. And I was suddenly okay with the chaos around me.
That sky … It reminded me of what I had read about blue ghost fireflies back in North Carolina. Swarms of females gather for a very brief season in early June as a part of their mating display. They are silently adrift with a continuous blue light to create an eerily romantic sight across the forest floor. They are unique to Asheville.
This is not Asheville.
This is also not June.
Memory is such an odd duck of a thing. It is conjured by color or sound, nuance and feeling. And sometimes it comes in a dream …
Earlier this week I woke startled from a dream. I had been sitting talking with Sam Sayers, the woman missing since August 1st at Vesper Peak. But here she was, on a city street, sitting at the curb in her white tank top, her perfect skin and bright (very alive) eyes. I can’t remember the conversation. I only remember how my heart was racing at the very sight of her. And suddenly I understand how we can miss something that was never really ours to lose.
What makes a thing real ?
I’m writing tonight as I stare out of the back picture window across the valley. There are so many birds here ! If I crack open the door I can hear them chattering back and forth. I wonder if they are making plans for the winter. Or perhaps they are alive only in these moments enjoying a mid-October sun. Surely the air is telling them something.
This morning when I woke up I felt refreshed. I lingered in a warm cozy bed while I awaited 7:24 and the possibility of an autumn sunrise. There was thick fog across the valley. No view of the mountain. Not even a hint at what lie below the white fuzzy poofs. A bunny dashed across the yard … and I got up to make coffee.
Before I made the bed, I threw open the bedroom blinds and there they were: a beautiful family of deer meandering across the patio to the lawn. They nibbled away at plants and watched me watching them. They were in no hurry. Living in the delicious moment. I love it here. For the birds. And the deer, the serenity and the reminder that life is right here, right now.
Fog lingered most of the morning. Sunlight would peek through the trees and glide across pathways of air. But mostly it clung to the spaces below the hillside. I spread out my cardmaking stuff and got started. I’m only doing a handful of designs right now because time is about to get away from me. Mid October to mid December is crazy at the post office. I need to preserve a little sanity as I slip into the last 12 months I’ll be delivering mail. I love that thought.
My treat this weekend was a massage. My therapist had a little chihuahua named Charlie. It was love at first sight ♡ He is a sweet boy. After I disrobed and climbed under the blanket and onto the massage table, he hopped up onto the table and curled up on the blanket between my knees. A new experience. Couples massage with Charlie 😍
The week has obviously improved. My real-life moment came today when I almost cancelled a hair appointment and my massage because I am having a bad ego day. The medication I take to keep my RA from further damaging my body is wrought with crappy side effects of its own. The drug I take is a cancer drug used to shrink tumors. Besides suppressing my immune system (which leaves me vulnerable to EVERYTHING) it causes hair loss, fatigue, memory fog and mouth sores. Some days I look as awful as I feel. Today was like that but I chose to push through. So glad I did.
Whether to continue with medication that seems almost worse than the disease is a constant struggle for me. So far it hasn’t slowed me down TOO much but I fear those days are coming. Do I stick it out ? Ditch it and work more diligently to eat and sleep better ? Try something different ?