I’m sitting in the right turn lane in driving rain on I-90 waiting to get on Hwy 18 to go home. The back-up is one mile long. I know that because the sign indicating that fact is directly above me. One full mile of bumper to bumper traffic. WAZE puts the time in a traffic jam at over 30 minutes. Most days I finish my snacks and crank up the music, happy to be away from Bellevue and work. Tonight, I have no patience. I slip into the lane to my left and pull past that mile of traffic and take advantage of the one person on the phone or daydreaming and slip back into the right lane. I don’t do it often, but tonight I couldn’t help myself.
I’m tired. I might even be exhausted. I feel like I’m living my life on the surface. It’s a shallow place. It’s not without value but it IS without any real substance. What has happened to me ? I feel like I’m living my life through updates and am being validated by “likes”. I need more than that. I’m starving.
What I’ve been seeking is a deeper connection with people. I don’t really care about your “to-do list” anymore. I want to know how your heart is. I’ve stopped caring about how you feel about the weather. I want to know what keeps you up at night. I have also been feeling like my desire for connection is in constant conflict with my desire to feel grounded and still.
Whatever this halfway place is, I can’t stay here. This feels like my long season of goodbye all over again. This time, not goodbye to Sassy, but to all of the things that don’t work in my life. I don’t imagine I am alone in thinking that trying new things is a good way to do that. Problem is, it just leaves my life cluttered by efforts that never really achieved what I had hoped they would. I’m not a quitter. I am probably more guilty of staying too long with a problem before I give up on it. I’m worse with people. I never want to believe the worst. I like to think that kind of persistence has served me well in life. But sometimes you just have to tell the truth about everything.
Facebook is one of those things. I love how it connects us and can bring us together. But if that’s all there is, connections in the ether ? It’s not enough. It isn’t real. I don’t have friends I can cry with. I don’t have friends I can lose my patience with, and know they won’t leave because of it. I don’t have anyone who calls me on my shit. Frankly, I dont really have anyone who calls me at all. I’ll stay on Facebook until I find a meaningful way to step away.
I feel like my life’s pockets are filling up with nickels when I’d rather have a few shiny quarters. Is that wrong ? I want more of less. And I want less of more.
Here’s what I read today :
You know what else I know; the folks who treat you unkind, take you for granted, take what they can, make you feel a bit used up, a bit smaller, less than; who treat you as an afterthought; put you on their B list; folks who lack a generosity of spirit, who can’t forgive you your foibles & flaws, the folks who know they’re gonna fuck you over but make you feel like you’ve done them wrong; who take & take & take and leave you parked on empty…those folks will never be your champions; they’re gonna high tail it out when they see an opening.
Those folks never planned on staying in your life.
I wanna spend my time, whatever time I have on this planet, making sure that the folks I cherish & adore & admire & respect get the very best of me, I wanna make sure they are seen & heard – visible – and I’m no longer gonna spend my time on a handful of folks who no, fuck no, don’t deserve the absolute privilege of me, my life.
She can get you thinking. She’ll get you riled up. She’ll make you want to stand up and scream from the rooftops about value and worth. I love her. I love that she is direct and honest and isn’t afraid to use words that will get your attention. I want to write with her. I wish SHE was my friend; unafraid, smart and “all in” when it comes to life.
But until I find my Amy, I need to begin this season of goodbye to the things and people who don’t make me feel joy. It’s like Konmari for your life. I’ll look at everything and if it doesn’t bring me joy, I will let it go.
Today Maezen (author of Hand Wash Cold) wrote that “no one wants to meditate”. I know I certainly don’t. And that is exactly why I will.