Musings on a Saturday Afternoon

Good grief, I was just looking up a message on my phone and came across a text I sent to myself at 3:54 am. Now, I was not UP at this hour, just awake enough to think I needed to preserve a thought I was having. Here’s what it said: ” When it comes to light, I tend to not see beyond the beam that is cast in front of me “. WTF ? Reading it this afternoon I don’t even have a context in which to put it in. What on earth did I find so riveting about that thought ?

We may never know.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my restless state. I wear my FitBit 24/7 ( well, except in the shower ) and I’m fascinated by the sleep function it provides. It gives you a glimpse into your patterns of sleep, restlessness and awake-ness. Each one can be measured. I’m pretty sure my own patterns are based on my wacky hormonal state. I’m nearing 55 and still not technically in menopause. THAT, in and of itself, sucks. I’ve always struggled with PMS and the fact that menopause has come so slowly only makes it worse. But really, is it hormones making me so restless ? Or is my restlessness contributing to my delayed menopause ? Or is stress just fucking with everything ?

I’m a little tired of my own cryptic thinking.

Even what I write here is getting redundant.

I want more.

When I say that I don’t mean more money or a better job. I don’t mean a newer car or a better house. I mean that I want, you know, more out of life. I want more ‘yes’. I want to stretch my boundaries. I want to be challenged to have deeper feelings; deeper thoughts. I want to seek out those people who have something to teach me. I want more’ yes’ and less fear. More ‘yes’ and less restriction. We box ourselves in sometimes to rules that were never really ours to begin with. I’m not sure what imaginary clock I hear ticking but something inside feels urgent. I feel like I am limiting my experience and it feels so awkward all of a sudden.

I’m ready for an adventure. I’m (literally) sick of my routine. They say you’ll never change your life unless you change something you do daily. Time to shake the snowglobe. I used to describe this feeling to people as climbing up one side of a sphere. It was obvious when you were on the upward swing. Body, mind and spirit felt connected. The breaks were going your way. Eventually you reach the peak, linger for a time and then you begin the fall. The fall is obvious too. Everything you know slips away in a mad rush. That’s where I am now. Watching those things that are most familiar fall away in a mad rush.

This time I am welcoming the change.

Now, where to begin …